doubting God and searching for meaning

MERRY CHRISTMAS FROM THE BEAUTIFUL AND FREEZING COLD CANADA

Currently on winter break and it's a glorious beautiful thing. I'm sleeping for 12 hours straight and catching up with my beautiful friend Stephanie Hay <3

In the last 2 weeks of my School of Biblical Studies we were studying wisdom literature; the books of Proverbs, Song of Songs, Job and Ecclesiastes. It was so interesting and inspiring to read simply and poetically the real struggles and joys of life. Through reading Job and Ecclesiastes (2 books on suffering and the meaning of life) I really struggled. For a few days I gave up my beliefs about God and Christianity because how can there be a God in such an evil world and why does life exist and what's the point on humanity on earth if everyone experiences heart-breaking pain, suffering and ultimately death.

Through my journey of atheism, agnosticism and questions of God, I realised a few things:

If there is no God, then there's no purpose to this life, there is no good and there is no relief from suffering. If there is no God, then Earth is full of evil. However, I know that there is good in this world, because forgiveness and reconciliation and love and kindness exists, and those actions and choices aren't evil, they are good. Even an atheist can agree that the choice to choose good and be kind and compassionate is possible. Compassion and empathy doesn't come from evil. It comes from the ultimate form of selfless goodness. And if compassion exists and comes from goodness, then that goodness must have started from somewhere; it can't have just existed because conscious choices to do what is right or wrong doesn't happen by chance through the formation of atoms at random. If there isn't a God, then nothing matters, life would be a quest of the self's pleasure because there is no judgement and there is no afterlife, nothing would matter except searching for relief from the pain through whatever pleasure is available. This being said, I know that this isn't an absolute statement for people who don't believe in God, and this isn't meant to point fingers or condemn anyone. These are just my thoughts after my few days deep in thought as a miserable atheist.

However if there is a God, then it means everything; all parts of life would change through this revelation. God must be the ultimate good, he must have no evil in him in order to be God and worthy of worship. If God has an ounce of evil in him then He isn't worthy of being Lord and the whole earth would be full of evil since there isn't a higher power that's completely trustworthy. If God is real, then my worship and what I can give to God will never ever be enough for him because of his great majesty.

My biggest struggle through the books of Ecclesiastes and Job was wondering if God is even good because of the suffering that goes on in the world, and the sufferings the authors experienced in the books. Through speaking to friends and processing what I think, I've come to the conclusion that real good is unlike the human concept of good. It's actually outside of understanding but God knows what's best, and the ultimate goal and reason for humanity is to live in relationship with God and to grow in love with him despite suffering and pain that's experienced in this earth. Pain happens, death unfortunately happens to every living creature on earth. It sucks and it's devastating. I don't know why it happens at the time that it happens, or why it happens 'to good people' (lets define what is really 'good' anyway?).

Sin has happened since the beginning of time in the garden, and from that humans have been born sinful with a will of their own and not from God. It's a conscious choice to accept Jesus as Lord, as the ultimate sacrifice that was laid down for humanity's sin. It's a choice to accept that even though unthinkable evil happens in the world that breaks my heart and makes me cry because I don't understand, that even though that happens, God is still Lord because he is the ultimate good and his good isn't my own selfish good. I know that God is good because I know how very real evil is, how very real Satan is and that he seeks to destroy every life on this planet, through means of war, disease, breakdown of relationships, etc. And because I know he is real, then if God isn't completely good, then there is no hope. But I know there is hope, through people's acts of kindness that happen through their God-given consciences. I won't ever completely understand the ways of God, but that's what makes the Lord so great because who wants to worship a God that they can completely understand?
And since when did I, a product of creation, create the force of gravity, or the constellations, or think precisely and completely about each element of creation.

And what's the point of suffering and why doesn't God stop it if he is all-powerful, you ask? I don't know. I know he will stop it one day, when Jesus comes back, but until then I don't know and that's ok. What I do know, is that through suffering and pain, empathy and the ability to be compassionate and moved to make a difference stirs up inside individuals. I know that through my experiences that I never thought I would experience, good and painfully bad, I am able to have a new perspective on the world and I am able to help people in a specific way because of the suffering I have experienced. I have empathy that is able to give hope to the next suffering person, a certain type of compassion that can't be attained without experience. Suffering doesn't happen to produce compassion, but compassion and empathy can be learned from suffering. It can grow bigger hearts and inspire a change for good in the world. Believing in Jesus doesn't stop suffering from happening, but rather it gives a glimmer of hope and purpose in the midst of heartbreaking pain.

"Christianity, if false, is of no importance, and if true, of infinite importance. 

The only thing it cannot be is moderately important." - C. S. Lewis

update de la vida

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https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P0FW--zidYA - I don't know how to make the music appear but listen to this song whilst reading because it's been my main study music and it makes me stop in my tracks and think all the time...

Throughout my life I've always found it hard to accept the love of God for me. Love is such a hard concept to get my mind around- its a choice and its free will and it's not forced and its barely an emotion because it's so much bigger. I've been told by friends and family that I'm loved, and I know it because of their sacrifices and actions, yet the love of God has seemed a far away entity. It's seemed like a light in the distance when the rest of my concept of that was just dull. I knew it was true, some how, I'd read about it and heard about it. I knew it was more than a feeling, more than an emotional high that people get....

Since being here and reading about God's active persual of the Israelites when they seriously do not deserve it has been changing everything in my mind. The holiness of God has always seemed like a far away concept to me too but I now understand it so much bigger. God is perfect and completely blameless and everything he does is wise and right. He made humans who had free will and chose sin against him, which caused a separation between us and him, the unholy and the holy. Yet God in his kindness allowed a way for there to still be a relationship between us through a commitment to him to love him with all that we are.

 In the Old Testament this included sacrifices and then through Jesus, who was the ultimate sacrifice, there is a way for humans and God to be reconciled. It's so beautiful and doesn't make sense. Anyways, understanding God's holiness makes understanding God's love so much more tangible. The two really do go hand in hand, it's near impossible to comprehend a fraction of who God is without knowing God is complete love but also complete holiness. And through this revelation I have been able to have flickers of light of understanding God's love for me. Instead of love being a far away light in the distance it's now a bright light that shines in front of me. This may be a cliche description but it's honestly the only way to describe it. 

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We have just finished the Pentateuch and now we are starting the different kings of Israel. 

Through reading Joshua, I had a massive revelation within the first 7 verses of the book.... So I thought I'd share a part of the application I wrote for the book of Joshua. The concept or 'timeless truth' that I used for this application is

Joshua 1:7 TT knowing God's law results in knowing God's character, which results in knowing God will be faithful to what he promises

...This week I have learned so much about what this process means. Knowing the law and God's heart behind what he commands will give me assurance of who God is, and naturally from that I will understand that God will be faithful to whatever he says. Similarly, the more I get to know a friend, the more I see how they act and what their character is, the more I am assured of how they will act. If they are running late then I know, because of who they are, that there is a good reason for them to be late. (God is never late, but sometimes we think is- but theres always a reason why he's waiting!) Or if they challenge me with an issue I know they do it out of love, because I know that their heart is full of love. This has been a huge mind shift change for me. Most of the time I try to skip the first steps and then I end up wondering why I’m so afraid all the time, and why I’m not confident in who God is and therefore I don’t trust him. I know sometimes God can reveal himself powerfully giving faith to us to know he will fulfil promises, but to be really solid and get through life’s daily struggles, I know having a mind and heart full of God’s words is most important. Through having a renewed mind of God’s law, then I will know him deeper and more personally, knowing that what he says will be true...

and because of this I know being here and doing what I'm doing is the best thing to be doing. 

We just finished studying Judges and through it I was so in awe the whole time of how God kept redeeming his people even when he knew that their hearts were selfish and they'd actually never love him back fully. It was so heart breaking and beautiful to see the Lord's continual commitment and love for his people even though the love wasn't reciprocated. 

Though I'm here in California I spend literally 90 % of my days in the classroom studying away, 8am-9pm usually. I'd like to thank everyone who has supported me this far, and if you'd like to be a part of my journey then I'd like to welcome you to continue to support me through this process of having my whole theology and understanding of God turned around !!! it's so sweet!!

Also I wrote a few months ago that soon I'll be able to find out why you can't boil a baby goat in it's mothers milk... and here's why......

1. because its unhygienic and people gonna get sick off of that! and 2. because the pagans would give weird sacrifices like that and the Israelites were called to be different.... !! =] there u go. <3 <3 Lots of love from the other side <3 <3 

S-B-Stressss

Hola from the sunny and beautiful California!!

Here I am studying the Bible for 9 months, and I arrived here just 3 weeks ago, we dived straight into Genesis and learning how to do the homework. We had 3 days of classes for Genesis, looking at history, who wrote the book, who it was written to, significance of certain passages etc. It's been so interesting to see patterns, and just to gain general information like who Genesis was written to (The Israelites). God had to kick out Adam and Eve from the garden because if they ate from the tree of life after the tree of good and evil they would have actually ended up living forever, so God kicking them out was actually a kindness. 
I had no idea.

After the first week I essentially wrote a 60 page commentary on Genesis, about the history, about what patterns meant to the original reader and how I can apply the truths to my life. Last week we were studying Exodus and it's crazy to see such personal and specific laws and commandments being given to the Israelites after they've been brought out of Egypt. The Israelites were enslaved in Egypt for hundreds of years, surrounded by Egyptian culture and religions, so going from hundreds of gods to just one God who is relational and personal would have been such a shock for the Israelites.
God also really emphasises that the 7th day of the week needs to be a rest day which after being enslaved and told by Pharaoh (who was God to the Egyptians) that they had to do back breaking work would have been so contradictory. I'm learning so many things because I am studying each passage so in depth, I'm seeing patterns and repetition and things are clicking whereas whenever I read Genesis and Exodus before I never understood anything really.

Now we are studying Leviticus and my thoughts most of the day are 'it just doesn't make sense'..
1. because it takes time to really understand the verses and what they mean..
and 2. because why would God want to come and live with his sinful, unfaithful people? I guess the only logical reason would be because of pure, holy love that seeks relationship and connection. It doesn't make sense.

SBS is blowing my mind. I feel like everything I thought I knew about God before is only a tiny fraction of who he actually is. and we're only 3 books in. I'm learning really deep truths, and I am seeing God in a new light and I respect him so much more!!!

I really know SBS is a crucial time of training and learning for me right now. I am so thankful to be here even though the work is tiring and long. And I want to say thank you again for everyone who helped send me here and who believed in me! I know it's already life changing!!! =]

our really accurate replications of the tabernacle 

BHX -> LAX

Hey friends!

These past few weeks have been tres busy but its been great! I finished work and then soon after my best friend Hannah from New Zealand came to visit which which was so amazing! We went to Bristol to see some friends, came back home and did lots of nothing and then went to Ireland & N. Ireland (Dublin & Belfast) for a few days, it was beautiful! 

Currently I'm very exhausted but energised knowing that my plans for the next few months are exactly what I'm meant to be doing. This past year being home has been challenging for a number of reasons- a mentally and emotionally draining but very rewarding job, having a lot of my friends leave to start on adventures of their own, learning how to fundraise and mentally preparing myself that I'm going to live overseas for at least a year of my life, etc. However I've seen the goodness of the Lord over every detail of every challenge, discomfort, pain, growth and change. I've learned the power of choice, love and forgiveness. I've personally seen the redemption and change that having a relationship with Jesus brings. I'm able to wake up in the morning and not hate myself, I know that I am loved, that I am valued and that I am able to influence people through my actions and words which is a huge responsibility that I want to continue to honour the Lord in. There is so much more that I can learn and I know this is just the beginning. 

I only have a few days left in England until I depart on my adventure to the west coast of the US of A. I am so excited and ready to go and study and learn. I've worked my butt off, and I've been given nearly $4000 towards this trip, which makes me want to cry because I don't deserve that kindness and grace. So thank you to everyone who has believed in me and chose to selflessly give towards my trip. I still need about £650 to pay off the whole school in full ($1000) which is amazing as that is 9 months paid for! If you'd like to support me in my walk through the Bible then please don't hesitate to talk to me :) I mean, I need to find out why a young goat can't be boiled in it's mothers milk?! 

All my love, Elisa <3

what i've learned being a professional carer

Inspired by buzzfeed and my experiences, I thought I'd write about what it's been like to be a domiciliary care worker for individuals with physical or mental disabilities for the past half year of my life. The people I work with are able enough to live on their own, with hours of outside support to help them with practical home things and personal care. The way Domiciliary care works is that each individual has a certain number of hours of care each day, usually a few hours in the morning, sometimes during the day and then a few hours at night- Some weeks I have consistent back to back 10+ hour days, other days I only technically work for 4 hours but I have 6 hours free in the middle of the day. The free time is useful to get jobs at home done however there's never time to relax as I'm always looking at the clock and waiting until I have to go back out to work again. I've not had a week where I haven't done over time. I realistically only get 2 full days off a month. I also work alone, which I love because I prefer 1-1 time with people so that I can really get to know them.

My job role is to go to individual's (aka 'service user's') houses (where they live alone or with a partner) and help them with shopping, cooking, cleaning, finances, personal hygiene, hospital appointments etc. However what it's really included is: burying and buying a budgie, playing endless games of pool, DIY, going on day trips, driving 300 miles per week, crying with service users and their heart breaking stories, laughing hard, sometimes leaving the house at 7am and not returning until 10pm. I've learned how to dismantle a wheelchair in 30 seconds, how to transfer birds from one cage to another and how to multitask giving a someone a shower, making a full roast dinner, giving medication and deep cleaning within an hour. I've also had horrendous days where I've burst out crying from things said and done towards me. But then again all jobs have those kinda days.

me after work often 

I've learned so much about myself from this job, it's been restorative and encouraging. Being the number 1 carer in peoples lives is a beautiful job, it's humbling and it's scary- i feel like i can barely look after myself let alone be responsible for another person! Despite my doubts, I've grown emotionally and mentally stronger. I have grown in character- when the going gets tough the tough get going! I'm learning tough love, how to say no and how to help others achieve their potential. One of the best bits of this job is to see someone be able to do something they've never done before. Whether that means learning how to cook, how to write or count money correctly. One thing God taught me early on is to do all things in this job with excellence, to the most that I can do. Often that extra work would go unnoticed but it's a important work ethic quality that I've learned and am thankful for. I've also learned that I'm human and I make mistakes and I don't have to do everything perfectly in this job, mostly because thats impossible. And thats ok.

The Lord's grace has been all over this job- I've learned so much from the people I've worked with. God has done deep healing work in me through being able to care for people. The majority of the time I've come home, exhausted but satisfied knowing that I have the best job in the world.

I'd recommend this job to anyone- its so much fun! It grows you as a person, challenges you and exposes parts of your character that need to be dealt with. It's expanded my world view and helped me to look outside of myself. I will be forever grateful. :)

half way

My Discipleship Training School finished 6 months ago. It was a time of intense growth, wisdom, input and encouragement. However I feel like my time being back home now has actually been more strengthening, more challenging and more stretching than DTS. Being in that beautiful community in the Rocky Mountains last summer was kind of like a green house of growth- however learning how to grow outside of the green house, in intense sunlight, in thunderstorms and the constant drizzle of life has actually grown me to be stronger than any intensive Christian school ever would. 

I'm accepting forgiveness, learning to be kind to myself, pulling out roots of bad weeds growing in my heart. Transferring knowledge of DTS to practical every day real life. Choosing kindness when theres every reason not to. Realising humility makes a person strong.

I'm half way between being home from DTS and leaving for SBS- This September I am planning to go Los Angeles, California to do a school with Youth With A Mission called the School of Biblical Studies. It is a 9 months school from Sept-June, where I will study the Bible in depth, learn to understand what it meant the thousands of years ago and how that applies today. I am excited to spend time where reading the word of God is my only responsibility. SBS will be hard work though- it's said to have a 60+ hour work week (for those of y'all who think I'll just be doing a casual Bible study on the beach ;) ). Alas, I will often be sat in the classroom day and night reading and completing assignments. Wooo!

Right now though, I'm still working at my job as a care worker for adults with mental / physical disabilities and I still love it. I know it's cliche and anyone working in care will agree with me, but I am learning so much from the people that I'm supporting. It's beautiful to care for people, to see improvements, to laugh through unapologetically being ourselves but also to cry through heart break. I am working close to 50 hours a week, doing my best to save up and it's encouraging that I've been able to see a dent in my expenses. I have been able to pay off my car insurance here in full, renew one of my passports and I have so generously been given money to buy a reliable laptop. I have also bought my plane ticket to Denver (departing Sept 14 :) ). I am planning to go to Denver first to see family and friends for just under 2 weeks before the school starts.

Those are a few of the practical things that I've been able to pay off and buy, mainly now I am just saving up for SBS.

What I need now:

Travel Insurance £200
USA Passport renew: £150
Flight from Denver to LA: £100
SBS Lecture fee for 9 months: £5300
and then the odd expenses for laundry powder, pens, shampoo, soap, and other fun necessary things.

Grand total of around £5,750 ($8,850)

If you'd like to be a part of my journey and support me financially through this school then please be in touch and let me know.

If you are paying in dollars then it'd probably be quickest and most efficient if you pay directly to YWAM LA as there my school fees will be paid off. https://ywamla.org/donatepay/ <-- simply click on this link, Put down my name (Elisa Leage, btw) and for the schools drop down box click on CSBS. If you wouldn't like to give that way, or if you are paying in pounds then please contact me and I can give you bank details.

It's around a 4.5 month count down until SBS begins and 4 months til I'll be on a plane.

I am so thankful for all the gifts I have already received from people towards this next part of my life. A big shoutout to all of yalls. Much love xo

next

wassup wassuppp!

It has been a while, friends, since I've sent out an update. It feels like DTS just finished a few hours ago, but alas, it has been months, and an update is more than due.

I have been home for about 3 months now, and it has been great and terrifying. Seeing my friends beautiful faces after 6 months, and being able to look up at my not so little brother are all wonderful things. However trying to adjust back into what 'normal' life was is difficult because there has been such a heart transformation and adjustment compared to how I was before, that coming back and trying to slide back into my old mold has been both confusing and exhausting as I've realized I don't fit anymore (not because I've gained weight, cheeky).
Though through the transition I can hand on heart say that I've grown to know God's love and reality in such a tangible way, which has done nothing but solidify the hope and grace I've received over these past few months.

After being home for a few weeks, I'd been able to catch up with friends and family, have time to relax and process DTS, and also get an awesome job to save up for my next ventures! I've been working full time for about a month now so life is definitely getting busy again. The job is a position of a support worker, which means I'm working with adults with disabilities (mental/physical), helping them out with daily life- this involves things like washing, shopping, cooking and cleaning. So far I'm really enjoying it, it has been challenging but definitely rewarding. I've learned a lot about myself and also I'm getting little insights everyday at what unconditional love looks like. It's beautiful.

Apart from that.... What is next, I hear you ask? What exotic country will Elisa be jetting off to this time??

and my answer for you, Ladies and Gentlemen, is that I'll be heading back stateside! Y'all can't get rid of me that easily!

I am planning on doing another school with YWAM called the School of Biblical Studies. It is a 9 months school starting in September 2015, and through it I'll read the bible thoroughly through 5 times, and, as they say, give a commentary on every verse in the Bible. If any of y'all have sat down and tried to read even just one book through you'll know how tiring it can sometimes be because there's so much wisdom, love and occasionally 'boring' law throughout. I never really thought I'd do an SBS, or at least not yet, however through DTS and especially in Indonesia I really leaned on the Bible like nothing else and I started to realize and understand its goodness and necessity for life.

For those of you who know my family well will know that my dad is an SBS teacher and has been since the Genesis. I can see some of you laughing to yourselves saying it was just a matter of time until I did one since I'm Phil's daughter! Jokes aside friends, this was a decision I for reals made all by myself, my parents have been supportive of it but by no means have they pressured or reverse psychology-ed me into it!! (or at least not that I know of!). I am so excited to spend a year fully in the Word of God, letting it heal my heart and renew my mind. This school will take place in Los Angeles, California, which will give y'all an excuse to see the big LA via visiting me ;).

As I said earlier, I am working my butt off, doing over time and more, working 7 days a week mornings and evenings. I am trying to save up every penny whilst paying off car insurance here.
SBS will cost about £5,000 ($8,000),
but then there's the added costs of travel to the USA,
Travel insurance,
I need to renew both my passports (*sigh* dual citizen pains),
I need to get a new laptop for the school since mine is close to 10 years old,
I would really like to be able to buy a reliable car whilst I'm there since America is so big, everything is so far away and I'll be there for close to a year.

I am doing my best to save up which will make a dent in the expenses that I'll need for the coming year, however I'm asking any of you guys if you'd be willing to contribute or support me during this season of my life (or further!). I'd love for you to be part of my story as I journey through the Garden of Eden, Egypt, the Promise Land, Israel, wisdom, prophesy, and the promise fulfilled through Jesus' sacrifice.

The organization of YWAM is all voluntary, staff and students need to pay for their living and studying expenses which is why I'm asking for any financial help.

If you'd like to donate to me then send me a message and we can sort something out!

Or for my USA friends you can send money directly to LA to pay off my tuition at https://ywamla.org/donatepay/

Just put in my name, click on CSBS and write in your details :) 

Thanks for reading my thoughts and hopes, 'tis always a joy to write a post whenever I have anything to share! Hit me up so we can hang out either here or there, love and hugs xo